What was once mine... or was it?

There must have been a point and time in my life when I represented myself with my own likes, dislikes, interests, inspiration, being... I'm 36 years old. I look good for my age. I have my health. (After all, you still have your health) I'm motivated to do well at work, at parenting, at husbanding, and at being a decent son and person. And that's it. All she wrote. My being ceases. Now bear with me, it gets better. I'm reluctant to post these thoughts, fully aware they reek of self pity and insecurity. I don't feel like I got the raw end of any deal, nor would I describe myself lacking confidence. The description leans towards a loss of self. In college, I had the misfortune to learn that decent looks and the tremendous ability to charm opened countless doors to new people and appeared to help acquire many things I desired. Unfortunately decent looks and charm became what I was. I transformed me to fit you. I discussed what you wanted to discuss. I was interested in your interests. I was a chameleon. A fake. The "many things" I desired and received turned out to be fleeting. The "new people" I became acquainted with were never friends. Yes, they adored the charm but never knew, nor truly wanted to know, the young man behind the facade. I played to them like a job interview and got the job. Rewind to the first few lines of the post. It's fairly clear how I got here. If my goal is to get there, I need to start somewhere.

I like the band Modest Mouse, a lot. Eels, (the band, not the eels in the ocean) are great too. My job is okay and improving. I actually get excited three or four times a week when I lose myself in an interesting conversation with my wife, children, or one of my parents. I don't like too many people a great deal. I don't dislike them. I'm just somewhat apathetic to their existence unless their participation in my day is of absolute necessity. I like cell phones. The idea you can presently pick up a phone anywhere you stand, (excluding Nextel customers, their coverage sucks) and call someone is fantastic. The H.B.O. show The Wire is, in my opinion, the best show on the television. I wish I was naturally adept as an athlete or an intellect. Or at dancing. I play the same numbers in the lottery twice a week and actually believe I'm going to win.

Timestamp: 9:57P.M.
Monday, 10/4

It's a start...