There's beauty in the breakdown

My belly is full. I got home about an hour ago. I poured myself a large drink and began cooking vegetable fried rice. The house is extremely quiet. The normal chatter and energy I'm so fond of is temporarily gone. I turned on music and began to cook. After driving for over six hours in my car today, I discovered I was in my head way too long. Also, Jaimie has persistently reminded me of the lack of posts, so I figured I'd sit down and type.

I hate to sound so cliche, but life today hasn't required the same outlet I used to desperately depend on to deal with the hauntings in my soul. Not to say I haven't undergone struggles. When you tip toe to the edge, peer over, then slowly back the fuck off, it's never easy. The point is, falling off hasn't been an option as of late. The only thing that kept me from completely crumbling before was this blog. Now, I just use the lessons I learned from life, from AA, ('scuse me whilst I take another sip from my beer) and from being beaten, barely able to stand up, dust off, and take another bash on the head. I've come to the conclusion that nothing is easy. That being said, regardless of the struggles, I love to come home to someone that fucking adores me. I love playing a huge part in my children's lives and watching them thrive. I love the fact I drove home tonight listening to Pink Floyd and thinking about my brother. I loved finishing my drive with an Eels song that makes me cry for my dead Mother every time I listen to it alone.

I've lost some spark in my writings. I'm out of practice. I may not sit down to do this often enough, but I'm extremely grateful that I don't have to.

I'm still around. In spirit. But my spirit is sometimes flying too high to reach the keys on the computer.

I'm right here. Right where I've always been, and not at all.